2014: The Roller Coaster Year

Photo taken in America by me.

I'm going to warn you now, this post is going to get a bit deep (and long), and it won't be all happy and lighthearted like my blog usually is. I'm going to be absolutely honest and speak about things that I don't usually speak about with anyone, not even my friends, let alone my readers. Part of why I'm writing this is so that I can look back at this and remember exactly how I felt. So if you want to read something a little less depressing, maybe choose one of my other posts!

I think I'll forever remember 2014 as my roller coaster year. Never would I have thought it was possible to cram in so many highs and so many lows into one year. I'm not exaggerating, I have experienced the best moments and the worst moments of my life so far this year.

The year began pretty standard, I was struggling at university, barely scraping a 2.1 and panicking about a half an hour presentation I had to do alone and what seemed to be impossibly hard assignments. My then boyfriend and I were having some issues, mainly down to the three hour distance between us and not having any time to see each other. I was working in retail a lot, but I also got hired too a summer camp last January, so generally life was good. Somehow, and I'm not even sure how, my grades miraculously improved (I think I finally figured out how to write an essay!) and I ended up getting Firsts in all my final assignments, which amazingly swung my average to a First! By May most of my deadlines had been submitted, I had also been working about 20 hours a week at work to save for my trip to America, and when I finally finished university and work then moved home for a week before flying out, I felt an amazing sense of accomplishment. 

It was during this time that my then boyfriend had been rather difficult. He'd always said he was fine with me going to America, but this was obviously a lie as he freaked out and broke up with me 4 days before I was due to leave. I have to say though, going to a foreign country for 3 months is an amazing way to get over someone! I don't miss my ex at all, I know he wasn't good for me looking back, he didn't treat me like Im deserve to be treated. However I do miss being in a relationship, a lot. I think I'm at that age now (22 tomorrow!!) where I want to be in a nice, settled relationship. I just feel quite lonely, seeing as all my girl friends have long-term partners, and I can't help but feel jealous. I could really do with the support of a boyfriend right now too, but I guess that's life. One thing I'm set on, I won't force anything and I won't settle for anyone less than Mr Right. He doesn't have to be Prince Charming, I just want a genuine guy who makes me smile and laugh, and gives great cuddles of course. 

If you have read my America posts, here, here and here.. You'll know that I had the time of my life there. America is a country I have always wanted to visit, and I was determined I was going to make it happen, and Camp America was how I managed that. I have always been a bit of an introvert too, so this was massively scary for me and I'm so proud of myself just for getting on that plane. However when I got home, things took a turn for the worse...

When I was 14 my mum was diagnosed with cancer. Since then it has been a long battle of it coming back, the doctors treating and getting rid of it, and it coming back again. It's something that's always there, lurking in the corner. On my last week travelling in America, mum told me she'd actually been in hospital for two weeks, because she was struggling to walk and they didn't know why. As soon as I got home off the overnight flight I nipped home and showered and then me and dad went to see her. She was out after another couple of weeks but unfortunately she was now wheelchair bound. I won't go into specifics but the cancer is back, and it's not good. Her condition has deteriorated rapidly and it is just awful to watch. It affects everything, we can't go anywhere, she's bed bound and there's nothing we can do. She's not just my mum, she's my best friend too. We used to do so much together and now we can't do anything. She sleeps a lot now and gets really confused sometimes, it's just awful, there's no other way to describe it. Christmas was obviously hard, but luckily most of our family and friends have been really supportive and they have made life easier for us. 

When I pictured my life at 21 I wouldn't have imagined this. I have a first class degree and yet I'm working in a stock room in a shop. That's another point, I didn't get kept on in the retail department, even though I did every extra hour they asked and bent over backwards for them! Life doesn't seem to like me at the moment. Luckily I managed to secure the stockroom role. I just need any old job at the moment, just to get me by. I do eventually want to do a masters but my life is sort of on hold at the moment! 

Although I've just painted the biggest picture of doom and gloom ever, there are some good things that have come out of all of this. I've realised for one how strong I am. I never thought I would ever be able to cope with something like this, but here I am, still smiling surprisingly, I'm still nice to people, I don't complain, I don't make excuses that I can't do things because of this situation, I fucking get on with it. I'm now a part time worker, part time carer, part time homemaker, part time blogger! I work, cook, clean, grocery shop, look after... I never thought I'd be able to get over a two and a half year relationship so quickly either but I did! Never thought I'd meet so many amazing people in one year, I have. My best friend and I are intending to run a half marathon next year to raise money for cancer charities, so that's something positive to look forward to. Even though this year has not gone to plan, and my life is not going to plan, the things that were within my control did go to plan, and that's what I need to focus on, I've done all that I could. 

Always make the most of a bad situation, never take it out on others, and keep smiling. That's what I have learnt from 2014.

I wish you all a Happy New Year :) xxx