The Standard New Year Post!

One of my favourite photos that I look in America, I think it sums up 2015.

I know this post is really late, but I've just updated my blog and I didn't want to post until it was all finished! I really like it, I think it reflects my personality a lot better now as I had outgrown my old template. Let me know what you think!

Normally I am really good at having a good old ramble, but so much has happened this year, good and bad, and I just don't know where to start! I don't even know if I want this to be a deep and emotional post or a light and fluffy post. Maybe I'll just throw in a bit of both?

I've just had a flick through all of the posts I wrote in 2015 (and since I didn't write many it didn't take long!) but this summarises exactly why I love blogging, because I had forgotten half those things even happened in 2015, some of them felt so long ago, and it's great having an online diary to look back on. This was last year's post and I didn't realise how much of a better place I'm in now until I actually went back and read this.

2015 was a difficult year. Although I can happily say I think it ended with me in a better place than the place I was in when it started. January-May was a manic blur, mum was very ill, I was trying to block this out really and get on with life, working 36 hours a week when I probably should have taken some time off, I didn't even tell my colleagues that she was ill. Maybe part of me was in denial, but I think it was more the fact that I didn't want to be asked about it constantly, I didn't want to bring that part of my life to work and maybe I also used work as a form of escape. But I did go to work every day dreading having that phone call that she had gone. I felt like I was living in limbo, I've never said this before but I wanted my mum to die. She wanted to die, she had said as much and for such a strong and amazing person to be destroyed by cancer, hardly able to speak or move near the end, and when she did speak it wasn't her at all. She had never said a mean thing to me in her life until those final months. It was just so awful for all of us. I just wanted her to be let free of her pain and I knew we could never get the old her back, instead we were left with a shell of a person that was just waiting to die. I don't think anyone can ever understand unless you have been in that position yourself. For me it was about preserving the good memories of her that I had and trying my best not to let these terrible new memories take over. I think I will write a post on grief soon. Because personally a large part of my grief happened before my mum died, because in my mind I had lost her a long time before she was actually gone, and that was very difficult to deal with alone because very few people knew what was going on. 

In May mum died, and I wrote a personal post saying goodbye. Although how I felt was horrendous, I want to look back and be able to remember those feelings one day. Maybe when things get bad I can reassure myself I've been through worse. We spent a lot of that month crying and pulling together as a family. But I didn't let the pain stop me living. Me and my best friend had booked a trip to London a month before which fell a week after Mum's death to the day. My friend of course said we didn't have to go, but I thought about it and Mum would have said well why wouldn't you go?! So we went, and I had an amazing time. You can't stop living just because someone has died, and you know what, living is actually a brilliant distraction. 

I then convinced my Dad to let me get a dog. Now I'm not exaggerating, I'm 23 and for 22 years of my life I had asked and asked my Dad for a dog. I think I finally gave up aged about 20. And I know it may seem a bit insensitive to put that pressure on my Dad at such a difficult time. And I do know he only caved because he felt sorry for me because Mum was my best friend, but I honestly knew it was the best thing to do for me, my Dad and my brother, not just myself. Theo arrived in our lives and instantly proved a massive distraction, something that needed constant care and attention. Our house had been so hectic when mum was alive, there were constantly carers and nurses rushing in and out, and suddenly when she had gone it was so silent and empty. Theo came charging into that silent and empty space and filled it up again. He is the most loving and adoring dog, he's so happy all the time and you can't look at him and be sad. Of course he quickly turned into my Dad's dog rather than mine, and even though dad claimed to not like dogs, Theo sleeps in Dad's bed with him every night. But I'm still the one he comes to if he wants a cuddle and a fuss. 

The summer consisted of me trying my best to get back into a normal routine and living my life. I had been accepted onto an MSc course, booked a holiday to Zante, went to see Taylor Swift in Hyde Park which was amazing and we were blessed with the weather! I actually visited London four times in 2015, mainly to meet up with friends that I met in America. Me and my best friend then decided to take the plunge and signed up for a half marathon in September! We didn't have that much time to train as we were used to just running 6 miles every couple of weeks, and we had to up this to 13.5 in just a couple of months! But we managed to run the whole thing and raised over £900 for Macmillan Cancer Support, which I am still over the moon about! I did actually write a whole section about fitness, but it was huge and I decided it needed its own post. So that's what I've done and I'll be posting that soon! But to summarise the second half of 2015 was a good year fitness wise, and I have some good plans for 2016! 

Zante

Berlin Zoo

The Robin Hood Half Marathon

Ready to race!

Hyde Park

September saw me start back at university, only part time which is one day a week as I still work 30 hours a week, but it was still a shock to the system! I found the step up to MSc very hard, but I still enjoyed being back at uni, there's just something about being a student that I love! It also gave me a sense of purpose, knowing what I actually want to do in life and having a goal, which is nice. I haven't done that much since September to be honest, I've met up with some friends, had workout classes during the week, went to some Halloween parties and enjoyed the Christmas festivities! Although Christmas was a hectic blur this year as working in retail it always is, but add assignments due December/January to that and there wasn't many spare minutes!

2015 seems to have flown by, but then when I look back at some of the things that happened, they do seem so long ago. Here's a few random things that I loved in 2015:

The Walking Dead
Theo
Benefit Hoola Bronzer
MAC Velvet Teddy
I found a new love for lip liners, particularly MAC's Whirl!
French Plaits/Braids
A spontaneous trip to Berlin
Not having to defrost the car (although I've had to the last few days!)
Being back at uni (part time)
Reading more
Having more confidence

What I want to achieve in 2016

So in my Blogger Planner there was a page for New Years Resolutions, which I wrote down and I'll type up here too, but I also added my own little list of things I don't need to work on this year, just as a little boost to my confidence to remind myself I am doing alright! Here's what I wrote:

2016 Resolutions:

1. Start assignments earlier (after having the horrendous experience of writing 9,000 words over Christmas!)
2. Continue working out
3. Eat healthier
4. Cook more meals and a greater variety of healthy meals
5. Blog more
6. Use my planner more
7. Do more kind things
8. Visit a new country
9. Do another fitness challenge
10. Walk the dog more
11. Get some planning experience

And what I don't need to do...

1. See friends more, I've seen them all a lot last year!
2. Say yes to more opportunities, again I said yes to a lot of opportunities last year.
3. Get a boyfriend! There's so much pressure these days, and I refuse to force anything.
4. Get up earlier, I did a pretty good job of that last year!

I hope you all had an amazing 2015, and have an even better 2016!

2014: The Roller Coaster Year

Photo taken in America by me.

I'm going to warn you now, this post is going to get a bit deep (and long), and it won't be all happy and lighthearted like my blog usually is. I'm going to be absolutely honest and speak about things that I don't usually speak about with anyone, not even my friends, let alone my readers. Part of why I'm writing this is so that I can look back at this and remember exactly how I felt. So if you want to read something a little less depressing, maybe choose one of my other posts!

I think I'll forever remember 2014 as my roller coaster year. Never would I have thought it was possible to cram in so many highs and so many lows into one year. I'm not exaggerating, I have experienced the best moments and the worst moments of my life so far this year.

The year began pretty standard, I was struggling at university, barely scraping a 2.1 and panicking about a half an hour presentation I had to do alone and what seemed to be impossibly hard assignments. My then boyfriend and I were having some issues, mainly down to the three hour distance between us and not having any time to see each other. I was working in retail a lot, but I also got hired too a summer camp last January, so generally life was good. Somehow, and I'm not even sure how, my grades miraculously improved (I think I finally figured out how to write an essay!) and I ended up getting Firsts in all my final assignments, which amazingly swung my average to a First! By May most of my deadlines had been submitted, I had also been working about 20 hours a week at work to save for my trip to America, and when I finally finished university and work then moved home for a week before flying out, I felt an amazing sense of accomplishment. 

It was during this time that my then boyfriend had been rather difficult. He'd always said he was fine with me going to America, but this was obviously a lie as he freaked out and broke up with me 4 days before I was due to leave. I have to say though, going to a foreign country for 3 months is an amazing way to get over someone! I don't miss my ex at all, I know he wasn't good for me looking back, he didn't treat me like Im deserve to be treated. However I do miss being in a relationship, a lot. I think I'm at that age now (22 tomorrow!!) where I want to be in a nice, settled relationship. I just feel quite lonely, seeing as all my girl friends have long-term partners, and I can't help but feel jealous. I could really do with the support of a boyfriend right now too, but I guess that's life. One thing I'm set on, I won't force anything and I won't settle for anyone less than Mr Right. He doesn't have to be Prince Charming, I just want a genuine guy who makes me smile and laugh, and gives great cuddles of course. 

If you have read my America posts, here, here and here.. You'll know that I had the time of my life there. America is a country I have always wanted to visit, and I was determined I was going to make it happen, and Camp America was how I managed that. I have always been a bit of an introvert too, so this was massively scary for me and I'm so proud of myself just for getting on that plane. However when I got home, things took a turn for the worse...

When I was 14 my mum was diagnosed with cancer. Since then it has been a long battle of it coming back, the doctors treating and getting rid of it, and it coming back again. It's something that's always there, lurking in the corner. On my last week travelling in America, mum told me she'd actually been in hospital for two weeks, because she was struggling to walk and they didn't know why. As soon as I got home off the overnight flight I nipped home and showered and then me and dad went to see her. She was out after another couple of weeks but unfortunately she was now wheelchair bound. I won't go into specifics but the cancer is back, and it's not good. Her condition has deteriorated rapidly and it is just awful to watch. It affects everything, we can't go anywhere, she's bed bound and there's nothing we can do. She's not just my mum, she's my best friend too. We used to do so much together and now we can't do anything. She sleeps a lot now and gets really confused sometimes, it's just awful, there's no other way to describe it. Christmas was obviously hard, but luckily most of our family and friends have been really supportive and they have made life easier for us. 

When I pictured my life at 21 I wouldn't have imagined this. I have a first class degree and yet I'm working in a stock room in a shop. That's another point, I didn't get kept on in the retail department, even though I did every extra hour they asked and bent over backwards for them! Life doesn't seem to like me at the moment. Luckily I managed to secure the stockroom role. I just need any old job at the moment, just to get me by. I do eventually want to do a masters but my life is sort of on hold at the moment! 

Although I've just painted the biggest picture of doom and gloom ever, there are some good things that have come out of all of this. I've realised for one how strong I am. I never thought I would ever be able to cope with something like this, but here I am, still smiling surprisingly, I'm still nice to people, I don't complain, I don't make excuses that I can't do things because of this situation, I fucking get on with it. I'm now a part time worker, part time carer, part time homemaker, part time blogger! I work, cook, clean, grocery shop, look after... I never thought I'd be able to get over a two and a half year relationship so quickly either but I did! Never thought I'd meet so many amazing people in one year, I have. My best friend and I are intending to run a half marathon next year to raise money for cancer charities, so that's something positive to look forward to. Even though this year has not gone to plan, and my life is not going to plan, the things that were within my control did go to plan, and that's what I need to focus on, I've done all that I could. 

Always make the most of a bad situation, never take it out on others, and keep smiling. That's what I have learnt from 2014.

I wish you all a Happy New Year :) xxx

New Year's Resolutions and 21st Birthday Celebrations

Happy New Year guys!

I know it's a bit belated, but I wanted to write this post, even if it is a little behind everyone else's! Anyway, as for incorporating my 21st birthday into this post, my Birthday is actually on New Year's Eve so I had a little party because I never had one for my 18th. It was nothing massive but I had a really good night and spent it with my closest family and friends, you can't ask for a better way to start the new year really! I wore a dress from French Connection and heels from New Look (however you can't see those!)

Onto my resolutions! I actually haven't thought too deeply about them this year, they are more just some guidelines about how I want to live my life this year. I am going to be completely honest, I'm not just going to say "oo can't wait for 2014 bring it on etc etc." I'm actually really scared about this year! I have a lot of hard work to do to finish my degree, and frankly after over 15 years of being in education I'm running out of steam!! I cannot wait to finish. Although I know I'll miss my university friends and the lifestyle, the workload is just too stressful! So that's one resolution, to work hard and get my degree. I also know I'll have to get a job this year, whether that be a job concerning my degree or a job just to get some money whilst I'm looking, I will have to leave the job that I'm comfortable in at the moment and go on the job hunt again, which like most people, I dislike!

On a happier note, but still just as scary, I'm hoping to go to America this year to do Camp America. However if this doesn't work out I'll have to think of something else to do, but my resolution is definitely to go to a country that I haven't been to!

Overall I just want to be happy! It doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as I'm happy!

The last couple of years have been good ones, I really hope 2014 is just as good, and brings me exciting opportunities, even if they are scary! I will continue to blog too and it will be interesting to see how this blog and my YouTube channel changes over the year! Speaking of, my latest video is a summary of my year through photos:

What are your New Year's Resolutions?